Monday, 2 August 2010

Where am I????????????

Last Night I looked in the mirror and realised I don't like the person staring back at me.

I feel fat, frumpy, old, worn out, worn down, tired, anxious, emotional, a complete and utter mess.

There was no ME looking back at me. I don't know where that girl has gone but definitely not there

Don't get me wrong I love being a wife and mummy but there is something missing....

So I started to think,

well the past 72 months (aka 6 YEARS) I've

- spent 36 months pregnant
- fed babies for 37 months (and still feeding)
- studied and still studying for the past 32 months, doing 2 courses.
- had 6 WEEKS, yes you read right, of not being pregnant or breastfeeding
- not including giving birth I've had 4 days away from the kids without having to worry about them
- lost all will to get out of bed somedays
- put on too much weight and struggling to loose it.
- not had A DRINK.....
- become a shaddow of myself, not physically but mentally
- let everything climb all over me and run me down

Well today I've decided that I have to reclaim me, starting with my weight. I know I'm not horribly overweight but I do need to loose about 15kg... this is for me, I don't feel healthy, I feel like a blob and it doesn't help when I have a husband who just says don't worry about it, you still look good. He can't seem to understand that I DON'T feel good....

I WANT TO BE HEALTHY, not horribly skinny but strong and fit

So I need your support to help me get to the happy place, where I use to be :)

I'd post a photo but I'm too ashamed to :(

Thanks for letting me vent to you all, but it'd got to that stage where I'm just feeling like I'm in a downhill spiral and I'm not coming up for air.



Crystal Bowman said...

*Hugs* Nic! I know exactly where you are coming from and as a matter of fact I decided to do the same thing today and try to get myself back!!

I have made a list on my fridge first of all, which included simple things like 1. Drink more water 2. Eat smaller portions 3. Don't eat the biscuits and crap in the cupboard, have a piece of fruit.

Whenever I head to the fridge I read that and think twice about what I am doing.

It sucks when you feel horrible about yourself, but by making some small change I hope you will feel a bit better about yourself soon!


Princess Lu the Scatterbrained said...

Oh Nic! I wish I could give you a big hug!!! I understand how you feel though. There's so much to do in each day, week, month, year...and it all flies by so fast and it's hard to keep up with everything. I often say I only have room in my brain to do a couple of things, like work and the kids, and finding head space to focus on diet and exercise is really hard for me. If it's any consolation, I'm in the same boat and need to shift some weight so that I can feel better about me and I always find life is easier in general if I feel good about myself. If you want an e-buddy to hop on the wagon with you, I'm here! Lu xx

Erica said...

Welcome to my world! It's scary huh - good on you for making a commitment to getting 'you' back.

About Us said...

Hi hon, you know it's funny because others never see you as you see yourself. I've always seen you as a very confident and talented girl who achieved greatness due to being real and when you showed us your 20 week baby bump, my stomach seriously looked bigger to me and I wasn't even pregnant. It's important to do whatever you need to, to feel good about yourself, but I still see you as the same beautiful girl I've been sharing life stories with these past years. And you will achieve greatness again, you can do anything Nic, you just have more little people to share it with now, take care of you :):):)

AngC said...

Nic - I felt like that after having 1 kid let alone 4! You will get yourself back, it's just sometimes hard to be selfish and make yourself the priority but you need to do it. I've already told Noel that sometime in the next 12 months I'm having a weekend in Brissy without him and the kids just so I can have a proper break! LOL Wanna come with me? :)

Felicity said...

CONGRATS on taking a step forward and realising NOW that it is for YOU.
YOU know you can do it.
The cool days don't help, so bring on Summer.
summer always seems to motivate with exercise, but I really need to work on more excerise in winter and not excuses.
Hope you keeping sharing your journey with us

Anonymous said...

ahhh sweets its tough being a mummy hey :) i had a similar sitution about myself when i moved to the country not knowing anyone and moving to a snooty town sucks big time, i believe exercise really helps as much as i hate it at first, in the long run you feel so much better getting those endorphins really boosts your self acceptance i reckon, put a fat pic of you on the fridge that way you will see it everyday and hopefully you wont eat the things you really really think you need
big hugs xx

Leanne said...

Oh Honey! I think I am on the same page...but I have left mine, un-read for ten years!

{{{hugs}}} to you. You will find yourself and this is a step forward.


Stacey Young said...

Hugs to you Nic, hope you can feel better about yourself soon.....I felt this way a couple of months ago and just had to do something. I ended up buying Zumba and I love it, I can do it at home when I like (usually when Kobi is asleep and Coop is having quiet time with a movie). I feel so much better and healthier, not so tired all time!


Nikki xx said...

Hey Nic, Maybe our others selves have gone on vacation and are sunny themselves in the tropics somewhere away from the madness of lives with little sympathise luvvie :)
Whenever I feel crappy, Stef goes to lengths to reassure me that it's just where we're at in this stage of our lives and it WILL pass. I guess it's easier when you get to leave all the maddness behind to go to work each day.
It's not easy being a mum, it's bloody exhausting and really easy to loose yourself in the routine of each day! Thank goodness you can go to a happy place with your scrapping...even if it's just for a little while...:)
Hang in there gorgeous. Good luck with your goals...hope you're feeling brighter soon. I'm off to put a note on my fridge about not eating crap and drinking more it :)
Take care xx

Anthea said...

Ohhh Nic, I was exactly where you were a while ago and this year I started my journey, its along slow one but I feel so much better for having done it and have to date lost almost 13 kilos and at least 1 dress size.
I did all this just by walking and watching what I was eating, it can be done without the fad diets and zero $$.

Keep us all posted on how you go, we will all be cheering you on!

Alannah said...

Nic, you are an amazing woman, wife and mother who does what most mothers do, and that is put our most precious children and their welfare first. After doing very similar to your list, especially so many months pregnant, and over ten years of breastfeeding, (seven of the last years pregnant and breastfeeding with two kids,) I went on a diet....6 months and 8 kgs lighter, by reducing food portions and exercise, and keeping up my water intake. Although you are still breastfeeding, it is considered safe to drink alcohol. Maybe you need a small drink with a late dinner once your kids are all asleep, and Adam has had his last feed. By morning, your milk will contain no alcohol. You are doing such a great job esp as they are all so little...chin up gorgeous.

Mal said...

oh nic so know what you mean! good on you for looking hard and long at yourself and deciding to do something about it! your stats are amazing and i am not surprised that you are feeling the way you are!

you should join some of us over at an FB group dannii set up to support each other to lose weight...let me know if you want an's private.

baby steps nic (sorry no pun intended) and I agree with alannah, perhaps the smallest drink after dinner, relaxing with luke after adam's last feed will help you relax, have a cry and feel more like yourself. Remember a happy mummy = happy kids!

here for you if you want a chat...after 2 years of every possible bit of medical/hormone treatment possible and a baby later I sooo understand about not recognising the body in front of you!

Kathleen said...

Oh Nic!!! Im so sorry you feel poopy - I can't imagine not having a break in 6 years, it's just not healthy, you need to put yourself first for a change, I'm glad you seem to be realising that!


Tanya Tahir said...

Hugs Nic! I know exactly how you feel because I am feeling this way too about my weight. Honestly, have you seen recent pics of me? I am the same as you, could have written that all myself - I am not disgustingly overweight but I can feel myself getting there! I am a blob and I need to lose about 10 kilos and I'd be happy again. But it is sooo hard. I joined a gym and have hardly even been!!! It's money down the drain. I just feel so lazy and tired most days. I wish I had the willpower and determination. By you writing this post, it's your first step. I wish we lived closer so we could do this together. Good luck matey xx

Maria said...

Must be the weather - I have been there recently too and with only 2 kids.

All the best.

Anonymous said...

Sending you a great big hug. I'm sure just taking this step will soon see you on your way and feeling better. Take care, Deb xx

Catie said...


I think all mother's go thru the identity crisis at some point, and after four kids and being pregnant and breastfeeding for so long, you deserve a little (read: A LOT more) you time! It's important to take time to do things for yourself without hubby and kids around, and exercise is a great place to start (gets those happy endorphins pumping!)
I wish you all the best and offer you huge doses of encouragement! YOU CAN DO IT!!!
And, most importantly, you should be ULTRA PROUD of all your achievements to date; you've fit so much more into your life in the last 72 months than many people do in a lifetime!! You're AMAZING!! xoxo

Tara said...

goodluck with it Nic..
I know you can do it xx

Kim said...

HI Nic, long time vistor but never commented...I have been there many years ago, I did it by walking, walking walking, it was free and it was easy, I have kept it off for over 20 years, had two boys only recently and got back on the wagon so to motivtion after i lost it was knowing how hard it was to take off I didnt want to do it again, just know you can do it, one step at a time...Oh and I ALWAYS remember this saying they had at my weight watches meeting all those years ago A MINUTE ON THE LIPS....A LIFETIME ON THE for me everytime..good luck, you can do it!!!

Karen Shady said...

Hi Nicole :) your post was so close to home for me too, that I couldnt leave without leaving a message... I wish you good luck in doing all it takes to find you again :) xx

mel said...

As you can see Nic, with all these comments - you are so not alone on this. Big hug for you girl and well done on wanting to make a change. Now start hoping someone will make your friends fat so you look awsome

Nicolee said...

what more can I say that hasn't already been said.....NOTHING!!!!
I just applaud you for being so totally honest and being yourself instead of pretending!
We have all been in ur boat...or are still in it...but together we can do it!!!!
kids...thats a full time job in itself...then study...then all the amazing creativeness you all adds up!
I won't go on and on.......
but just want you to know, this a road well travelled by us all...and you can do it!!!!! We all can do it...TOGETHER!